Mother’s Day in May and Father’s Day in June spotlight not only moms and dads, but grandmas and grandpas, too. As executive director of Catholic Social Services of Montana, Rosemary Miller has been closely involved with some of the birth grandparents of children placed for adoption through CSSM. In this Q-and-A with The Montana Catholic, Miller shares thoughts about the transitions these grandparents face.

Montana Catholic: What are some of the issues with which birth grandparents struggle?

Miller: Sometimes they have very strong feelings (about expectant parents’ options) and at other times they want to reserve their feelings so the daughter or son feels free to do what they want, without undue pressure. Most feel they are too young to become grandparents—and many of them are quite young. Sometimes they feel guilty, feeling that they somehow failed to protect their children from this crisis in their lives. I think the paternal grandparents feel much less empowered, because of what they see as their role, than the maternal grandparents. It’s often thought that the decision (about the baby’s future) is for the expectant mother to make. But expectant fathers are becoming more active in the decision, and in trying to support the mother and the baby.

Montana Catholic: You have said previously that grandparents need to strike a balance, providing support for daughters and sons, but not forcing a decision about the baby’s future. Please elaborate.

Miller: They need to realize, first of all, that the expectant mother needs to be able to live with the decision to keep the baby or place the child for adoption. She needs to not feel like she’s being pressured into one decision or another. She needs to be able to examine her options and reach out to those people she feels she needs support from. Hopefully, that will be her parents, and they will give support in a way that she can accept. Parents are so often giving suggestions and advice. In this situation, it’s important to realize that as a parent, you’ve done your job and it’s time for them (daughters and sons) to make a parenting decision. It’s their child over which to make that decision. Parents (of the birth parents) are really crucial in the post-adoptive period . There naturally is sadness, and feelings of loss, when you don’t go home from the hospital with the baby you have given birth to. Grandparents can understand that in a pretty significant way, and they also are feeling some of the loss, even as they hope the adoption will turn out to be as positive as they anticipate.

Montana Catholic: Sounds like what you are saying applies to both grandmothers and grandfathers.

Miller: Yes, it does. The relationship between a father and daughter often is very special, different from the relationship between a mother and daughter. Sometimes, it’s the father the daughter seeks out and needs support from. Sometimes, the strongest parental relationship for sons is with the mother. It’s important that parents not condemn their sons and daughters (for the pregnancy).

Montana Catholic: It seems adoption would raise worry about losing contact with a grandchild. How would you address this concern among birth grandparents?

Miller: Grandparents usually are from a generation when adoption was closed, confidential. It has totally changed in this generation; open adoption is the most practiced type of adoption. There is a relationship between the adoptive family and the birth family, and they continue to have contact. Grandparents can assume the role of grandparents, seeing the child grow, attending baseball games, school events—all the normal things that grandparents do. Sometimes the birth grandparents babysit the child. Oftentimes, birth grandparents live closer than the adoptive grandparents, who may be clear across the country.

Montana Catholic: What kinds of influences do you see in the relationship between adoptive parents and biological grandparents?

Miller: Age is one. By and large, the adoptive parents are older than the average parent. They’ve spent quite a bit of time trying to have children, and some didn’t marry until later. More often than not, they are close in age to a lot of the birth grandparents. The relationship sometimes is stronger than with the birth parents, who tend to be quite young and still growing into young adulthood. Birth grandparents are more likely to be established in life, and in a position to assume responsibility.

Montana Catholic: In what ways have you seen faith transitions as people become grandparents through unplanned pregnancies, and accept the decision to place the grandchild for adoption?

Miller: We have a birth grandparent who recently said that it was a difficult struggle with her daughter, and over the course of this process her (the grandparent’s) faith had been restored. She had come out of the struggle with a much stronger faith. You begin to realize that it’s all in God’s hands and perhaps this truly is God’s plan—for your child to bear a child who is raised by someone else. It’s quite miraculous when you go through this with people. It truly is in God’s hands.


Published in The Montana Catholic Online — Online Exclusive, May 21, 2010.